My 2nd post in a day! This seems like a good start eh?
Okie. I’m sure some point in life we’ve had this experience of being badmouthed by someone we know (be it friends, family, relatives, teachers, neighbours,) or best yet, bad mouthed by someone we don’t even know.
Ahem* Don’t tell me you’ve never experienced it before!
No matter how much of an angel you are you’re def bound to be shit talked by someone out there.
My mistake. Lemme rephrase that.
The more of an angel you are the MORE you will be bound to be shit talked about people out there.
Anyways coming back to the post,,,
Firstly, I am not to be held responsible if anything unexpected occurs between the steps below. In other words : BADMOUTH AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Before proceeding to step 1, kindly ensure you’ve got a wagging tongue ( and you're good to go) as this is the fastest means of finishing this course successfully.
Step 1 :
Identify the specimen you chose to bad mouth about. Be it friends, family, relatives, teachers, spouse, neighbours, or best yet,, bad mouth someone you don’t even know.
Step 2 :
Observe the person ( specimen if you wish) greatest trait or character ( one that everyone seems to praise or one that anyone else might get attracted to) and make mental notes of it. Also note for any other outstanding traits like loud voice, weird hairstyle ( not necessarily weird, as long as it does not fit your taste if eligible enough), enormous head, body odour, handsome boyfriend or anything else that you think might make it easier for carrying out step 3.
· Step 2 might be hard if you personally don’t know the person. If you have no source of gossip I suggest you revert to step 1 and identify a new specimen.
· Although you’ve got a gold fish memory ( of 3 secs mind you) I strongly suggest you do not make any attempts of making visible notes using ink and paper as this might get you into serious trouble with the specimen you’re targeting at. Also, do not make and attempts of tattooing details onto your body like Ghajni as this might get u into even more serious trouble with everyone else.
Step 3 :
Get a friend, family, relative, teacher, spouse, neighbour or even someone you don’t know ( the social network or blog is a best place to start) or anyone else that might share the same hate/interest/love for gossip as you.
It is preferable if you chose someone with a big mouth ( literally) as this will help to fasten the bad mouthing procedure and will ensure you have less repetition work to do to get the word around.
· Do not choose a pet for this step although you both may share the same interests and likings and although it may have a big mouth.
Unless of course your pet cat can have visible bubble thoughts like Garfield then kindly proceed to step 4.
Step 4 : Beginning the Bad Mouthing.
As contradicting to the fact that we all know, ( in case you don’t know that gossiping should be done in private areas so as to prevent anyone from suspecting your misfit), in my opinion, I strongly suggest bad mouthing should be done in open public places. I know I know, ‘ what if someone hears me’? It’s a 50 50 risk you’re taking here in this step. In a crowded noisy place your voice will be more likely to be drowned out by the voices of others thus making it easier for you to get the word across.
Do not attempt to whisper as this will gain more attention to you. Also, if your specimen is present in your field of vision, DO NOT look/point/smirk/ make a nasty gesture while passing your comment to the person chosen in step 3 ( no matter how tempting this may be). If you are capable of portraying a parkisonian face ( mask face like appearance) it would be more beneficial for this step.
· Although certain places may be crowded, please kindly ensure it is noisy at the same time. Just because your school library is crowded doesn’t mean you can bad mouth someone there without whispering. You probably will be kicked out by the guard and have a very own gossip rolling about yourself.
Step 5 :
Always always start your gossip with these following statements :
· You know smtg, I don’t like talkin about people but ......
· Someone told me the other day that....
· I want to share with you something but I really need you to keep this a secret, the other day...
· Did you hear? That day...
· OMG you have to know this!!...
· The other day I heard someone saying..
*KIV : the ‘someone’ that you are referring to does not need to be existing or have a name. If it is insisted upon by the person chosen in step 3 to identify the ‘ someone’ you heard the gossip from, use the gold fish memory statement : I DONT REMEMBER, BUT SOMEONE TOLD ME.
You see most gossips starts with a ‘someone’ of no origin so do not bother the hassle of identifying the someone.
Also, if the person chosen in step 3 keeps insisting on you to identify the ‘someone’ even after the gold fish statement you made, kindly restart the step 3 as this indicates that you have a chosen a wrong candidate to help pass the gossip on.
Step 6 :
Try to avoid the person you have chosen in step 3 for sometime ( a few hours would do). This is to avoid of any chances of being caught or being identified by your specimen. Do not respond to anyone else that approaches you to confirm the statement you spread other than the person you have chosen in step no 3.
However, kindly remember that this is a futile act as no matter how well or secretly you gossip about someone, you will be caught one day. Also kindly take note ( this time with ink and paper if you wish) that if you start a gossip, be aware that you will be likely spontaneously creating a chain of gossip of your own name)'
So there you have it. You 6 steps guide to bad mouthing someone.
Lol I sound like a professional eh?
I guess I may have had some personal experience of my own ( not an experience of writing a ‘how to gossip article’) but rather an experience of being talked bad about. It was a harsh experience you bet I still managed to catch the culprit who started all of it first. ( More like culprits’ cause based on my prev procedure, you need more den 1 wagging tongue, no?) So I began cooking up how a procedure would sound like ( if they had one) on how to bad mouth someone.
So there you have it :)
p.s. All statement made in this post has no relevance to anyone alive or dead and anything similar is simply a pure coincidence.
Next post : HOW TO REACT WHEN SOMEONE BAD MOUTHS YOU :D
