Draft No 5 : Cause They Make My Day

Here goes the 3rd blogpost in this week!
ahh i meant to keep this post for a longer time to add in more but that would make it the 5th draft i have saved and i have nothing to say dont want the numbers to keep adding up :/


John mayer once sang : Say what you need to say( and repeated it a whole 40 times throughout his song)And so i thought it would be ideal to do what he told me to - to say what i needed to say



Such a horrible opening..

HAH!The very sign i am out of words for this post even at the very beginning!)
 
There are so many people i should write about, so many people i need to thank, so many people who thought me the little things - the many diff patients who thought me things in the hospital, the random people you meet in your daily life and even those few who have stood by me, shared the experience, and then left to other places. I see the images and the memories but putting them all in here would be impossible!

So I decided to do this instead - Say what i needed to say to those people that are special and rare/ that i frequently speak to/ and that for beyond reason i need to say this to :D
  

#S.TURNIP

The most annoying, straightforward, outstanding, person i have ever met. From being such a childish person to a grown up lady who does not take any bullshit from anyone - I am learning so much from you :) You made me learn that we are our biggest critics and that i should accept myself for what i am.
Yet, you are the person i am most childish and serious with at the same time.

 You are about to graduate and you made it against all odds while not depending on anyone! ( whatever happened to the 'dunge dunge dunge' lady?) Although at times your straightforwardness may put you in tight situations - remember at times its always easier to ignore than to speak up!
You are responsible, independent and if there is but anyone else i swear - you inspire me kawan! You are a great person, and I am truly blessed to have you walk in my path :) 

 
 You are going to make it BIG. Just wait and watch!!
 

#TWEETY
It may surprise you a little to see your name up here ( well technically not your name) but you are one of those few people that i will not forget for a LONG TIME! From understanding my 'love' with maths and allowing me to copy your maths homework back in school to being the kindest person that you are (not forgetting the sarcasm with SexyMamaTan)

 I hope you find someone that shares your honesty and love for food - and at the same time graduate without all those hurdles! Go ace those papers and i wanna see you graduate like a boss ;)

#3 HITAM KUNING

Ahh where shall i begin. You are the slowest person when it comes to sarcasm yet your thinking is so much more mature than the others of our age! How do you manage to fool people out there i have no idea.

 

I admire your belief, your strong faith, your ability to calculate birthdays so quickly, and your willpower to wait for the right thing even if it means waiting for a LONG TIME! I am amused at your taste for old ancient songs (the kind they play at funerals) but you still don't bother of what's "in" and do just what you want. 
You panic at the smallest thing yet when it comes to all the major stressful situations, you're the person i go to- and i love you for it!! 

Such a rare person that upholds the importance of family. You just have to learn to be street smart cause its going to be tough surviving out there.

You're my ah ma ma after all ;)

 

#JOHHNY BRAVO 

 
Well lets see. I have known you for the shortest period compared to all other names up here! But i guess you deserve a spot ( just like the feminine color your name has..ahem*) You are one of those unexpected people whose conversations i never thought i would enjoy. (They are the most random and funny conversations - the very thing i need to keep me sane after a shitty day!) So, thank you!

 
You're smart, witty, so full of yourself, and brags about how awesome you are at all times - yet i dont find myself wanting to kill you. Or it should be not wanting to kill you -yet. If they make a cartoon series of you it would be just like this :

You're confident,,, yet scared? at the same time - but you're great at masking things and your thoughts- which is intriguing. You put up a playful- ignorant- cool front, yet you are a sensible matured child who is sensitive and and knows what he wants.
 You're a nice kid ( not as GREAT as i am of course) or at least the distance has made me to believe that  - Let others around you know more about yourself and they will come to know how amazing you are!
I sincerely hope you realize there can only be one great person great things will come your way someday boss :) 
Seriously.


P.s. Go ahead and gloat about this now.

#PAPOI

We met in the most miserable way! haha from an awkward weird breakfast conversation about religious symbols with a stranger to being what we are now.

 You sing along to life even when it is not your favorite song. Its tough having to deal with cancer, an ass and studies all at the same time. But you're doing it just right. I understand your fear and your worries but all these things will end soon. You just need to have faith* (and maybe learn to accept others for what they are and what they believe in! :D) Maybe you will have more people to learn from that way

 
# MOUSEHUNTER
You put up a confident front but i guess those who know you will know better. From having to worry of not finding the right one to being able to bounce back every time things ended up horribly. 

You're so easy going in all stressful situations and take everything so lightly. YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO TRAVELING! What would i ever do without you? ( more of where would i end up lost without you??)
You're great listener (and a great workout motivator). wait for what you want and dont settle for anything less!

 

#ICANTTHINKOFWHATTOADDHERE

YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT PERSON.

The end.
  

haha i wish it was that easy! From being there from the first day (and still being there for me throughout!)
I saw you change from being a nutwreck- freaking out at the slightest remark and exam to a complete responsible person. You are so pampered and loved (which i envy- especially the extra attention and food part!) but you deserve it. You have faced so many things after all :) You proved that people like us can finish this whole thing although we're facing against the odds from the very beginning. I think they can make a soap opera telling people of what your story was like! Do what you want to do in life or else you're eventually going to be forced to spend time in a life that you dont want. Be the happy person that you are. Hoping to see you real soon!!!

There. Finally done with another post! i still have an article to complete by this weekend. I am so proud of myself. I should shoot myself. 

STOP PROCRASTINATING INDEH!!!

Owh well...

Mixed Feelings

My 2nd post of the night
I must be on a roll today!

i've spent hours watching Ellen on youtube after dinner with the family! HER VIDEOS ARE CONTAGIOUS! once you start there's no stopping at all! she is so natural you can't help but love her :)

just hours ago i completed the draft i made last week - on cupcakes and not chasing the things that you want.
Chasing the things you want..

Chasing the things you want.....

What if we're chasing the wrong things?
What if we're chasing something that we will not own? Or that something that will be impossible to achieve?
What if we're chasing something that is worth much less than what we're losing in between? -like our time and attention?


do we still not give up and chase after it or do we stop and leave cause its the better thing to do?

Hmm..

What iffs...

All i need to know is if it will be worth it and i will give all that i have into it..
For now I guess its time to surrender. Sometimes there's no use in pretending and trying when your gut tells you its not worth it. I keep telling myself this.. 

I dont want to make a mistake.
But i am afraid if i keep holding back i would never get what i am looking for

If only making decisions was easy..

Cupcakes - turns out right the 2nd time!

Drafted on 15.08.2013 2.00am
I'm trying to type it out at this ungodly hour. There. I have 3 drafted posts which i am yet to complete but tonight this has to go up.
I have never had so many pending posts - I dont know if its the lack of ideas or its cause i got distracted with something more interesting to do. I AM BACK HOME AFTER ALL :D

Speaking of distraction 2 nights ago i ws distracted by a pic of the red velvet cake. since i was free at home i decided to try it out. It was tried out by my friends and they assured me the recipe was BULLETPROOF. But then again its baking.. Not everything turns out the way we want it to be (unless of course you're Buddy from The Cake Boss).
 My cake color was not turning red despite me adding the coloring. I was beginning to think it was a jinx thing since i was somesort of betraying? my love for choc cakes for the first time and going for something not brown.

 The Cake right out of the oven - notice that evil smiling face it came out with? Pfftt

so yeah in the end it was a chocolate looking cake that tasted like red velvet but with a much stronger coffee flavor to it. i was about to abandon the cream cheese frosting when my mom who was an angel of a lady told me to use diff colours instead of the plain cream cheese frosting - so there.

 not exactly my best looking cake(my sis said it reminded her of some soccer club and some rainforest both at the same time) but still
I have began to envy all those awesome bakers even more day after day.And the urge of getting the red velvet cake would not just go away

 After the colorful cream cheese frosting.

SO i decided to try it out again - but this time, i thought of doing the cupcakes ( cause you know they're prettier and in case it gets burnt it would be less painful throwing out the smaller pieces! )
This time i decided to follow Anna Olson on youtube - it was a recipe for red velvet cake but i separated the batter into the cupcake tray and there! IT WAS FINALLY A SUCCESS!! :D

 The next would be to try out the molten chocolate cupcakes!

There. I guess when you want something really badly you would do everything possible to get to it. Whether its that favorite book series you want to own but you cant afford all 36 sets of them,,,, that person you want to know more,,, that concert you so direly want to go to but can't convince your parents enough,, - we would try to do everything possible to get the things we want.

And as for the person we want, ahhh..
 The kid in me would tell to go all out for it! You may never know how it will end up. After all how long would you rather focus on other people's Kodak moments than make memories of your own!
But of course - first you'll have to see if you have actually found a person worth going all out for annd not to mention there is an extent to it. A restraining order is definitely a hint for you to slow it down.

So there. Things i have learned from this cupcake making experience - 
*Go all out for the things you want even if it turns out horribly the first time. You'll be surprised how things may end up.
*You may follow the guidelines and play according to the rulebook ( or recipe given) but the outcome will be uncertain- all we have to do is wait and hope that it will all turn out right. Even if things get ugly, you can always hide the bruises and the burnt parts -which in my case is overly exaggerated colorful cream cheese frosting :)

FINALLY ONE COMPLETED BLOG POST!!
I should reward myself for this :D

Changing the Already Perfect One?

Drafted 20.05.2013

Cause our net connection on campus is oh so awesome.Hmphh*

*********************************************************************************

And I sit here again to type it all out..

Its been a great day! Just reached home from ipoh this morning and went to the hospital straight – not a very smart move. Started the radiology posting today which made me feel even sleepier! The environment of black and white, cold rooms and uttermost silence. I was literally fighting to keep my eye lids up :/

Ok well not literally fighting I guess.

 

But that’s not the point why im blogging. Had a conversation with someone earlier that brought me to this.

I realize sometimes we so desperately want someone that we’re willing to turn a blind eye to everything else that comes with them. We tend to say, we love them and nothing else matters. We then say “ I am willing to accept them for what they are because I love them”.

Yeah I get it. When it’s going good, it’s going great no? 

You dont see anything except for what is standing in front of you no matter how wrong the signals scream.

 But no one speaks of what comes after. What happens when the lovey dovey span dies off? What happens when things get serious, when you’re seen staring at the same person after many years? Will the same flaws we once shrugged off still be ignored so easily? Will we still be treating them with the same love and respect as what we did in the beginning? Will we be willing enough to accept that same person and all that comes with it, or would we give up halfway? And will all that was filled with love now be filled with spite?

That is when the drama ensues – the blame game starts. We start claiming the person we are staring at has changed. They’re not the same person you once fell in love it. We say they are behaving differently. Funny thing is, it’s the exact same person you’re staring at – just when the heat dies off, you tend to see the person as a whole. The good, the bad, the ugly, the great. 

And then the decision making begins. We try to change the Already PERFECT ONE. And if you can't, you upt and leave. God forbid by then you’re already legalized cause by then the hassle of all paperwork would be a real sucker. 

The truth is, deep down we all have faith that the person will change over time. That our love, if strong enough will bring that person to the right path , or to the path we think is right. (which is another thing I find interesting, how people tend to define a right path). That we will be able to change the person to see the things the way we see them. And when we realize it does not work that way, we leave. Then the blame game continues. If they cant blame the other person, the ultimate blame is placed on Love itself.

Which is funny and sad, cause what started off as a beautiful expression ends up being blamed for being cruel and ugly and sigh. What not.

Don’t get me wrong. It would be great if we can somewhat change a person, to rid them off their addictions or unhealthy practices. To support them and encourage them to strive for things they are more than capable of.  Its just that when it comes to relationships, if you don’t agree to something, why commit to it? The whole thing starts when we refuse to see that bad side and we expect it to disappear once the relationship progresses. What if it does not disappear?? What if it gets worse?? Do you just walk away then? No correction. Is it alright to walk away THEN?

Hmm.There may be many reasons for you to go, but if you just find a reason to stay.If you just get pass that moment. If you learn to accept others for what they are – and accept that you may not be able to change the person you’re looking at, things may just work. Not work, things may just last*. After all, you cant fall in and out of love so easily. Infatuation, yes. But not love.

As for me..ahem*

I wish that was somesort applicable in a way. THEY FART GLITTER AFTER ALL! :D

 blaahh I’m still a big sucker for love. Practicality, yes. But alongside that whole falling in thing. And not those fairytale love like stories – there’s too much drama before they end up happy! I would rather have everything fall into place from the beginning.

*I know what i'm looking for. I just haven't find someone convincing that is worth changing my mind for.  

  

Altho truth be told, it may seem like an uttermost impossible to task to search for such a person! I have waited and waited at times I even scare myself. I have walked away from many opportunities – and I know what I’m missing out on. But I can’t help it. I'd rather things be this way than rushing into a shitty relationship just because society think i should! So yeah :/ I still have friends to keep company no?

Maybe someday when I find someone worth it then who knows? 

 Like Bob Marley once said : THE TRUTH IS, EVERYBODY IS GOING TO HURT YOU; YOU JUST GOTTA FIND THE ONES WORTH SUFFERING FOR.

 

My mind is kinda tender,, and my body is tired. 

Sighh..

Please be kind to me oh new posting.. 

Till here then!

Imagine Dragons and Impressions.

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am . - Chasing Dragons

haha had thing song stuck in my head for God knows what reason!

Woke up to the most satisfied food cravings I can ever ask for. Ranging from the burger dad got from the famous Ipoh stall near the Maybank at Ipoh Padang up to the random decision of making brownies at the wee hours just cause we could not sleep with my younger sister..

Well truth be told, we intended to make a molten dark chocolate baby sized cake. but then we realize we were missing a few ingredients and so we decided to modify the things Nigella said and it turned up to be like brownies! SO in conclusion, when you lack the basic things you need to get what you want, dont give up just yet! Use the things you have with you and you'll be surprised with what other greater things you can achieve :D and in our case, the most sinful Belgian Cashew Nuts Brownies

And my laptop speed has been incredible! Dad had it reformatted - smtg i am utterly grateful for!So here I am keeping up to my word that I will blog more often ( or more like I need to get these thoughts out my system ) so here goes

Met a patient in the Ortho department that day. He was 83 with an above knee amputation of his right lower limb- otherwise a healthy man. I asked him about his limb, quick to judge that it probably was due to a diabetic foot complication. Was I surprised to learn that it was because he lost his limb in the war those days and not due to neglect from a metabolic condition.
That's when it hit me. We are often quick to judge the people around us based on what we see ( or chose to see) and what little we know and then we stick to it. But truth be told, unless you approach the person and ask them their story first hand, you'll never get the whole picture.

Embarrassed, I admitted what my first impression was to him. It was then he asked me "You should ask yourself, what do people think about you when they look at you?"

And so i've decided to try it out for myself - to take a look at my life from a 3rd person point of view. Of course it would have been cool if i could get an out of body experience to see it for real.. instead i have decided to ask the people around me!
 The comments i've received was from many different ends

One half said I was a quiet, nerdy, religious, traditional chess player who people are afraid to approach cause of the serious look i wear on all too often.

And then other half thinks i'm an idiotic, talkative, crazy retard that loves music and singing that does the most random things. -of course they did not mention that the singing was horrible for courtesy sake

And another half that thinks i'm a pampered child, and that i have everything in my life coming all too easily. LOL

And another half that thinks that Im a sucker for romance and another half that thinks I have no interests in anything thats not academic related!

And another half thinks i'm approachable and ever so helpful with uttermost confidence. 

And another half that thinks i'm Shy and quiet while another bunch thinks i dont breathe in between words i speak!

And another half that thinks i'm broken and that i have no interests in relationships and that i'm going to end up a spinster someday later in life

*i have created too many halves!*

And i secretly know that there's this bunch of people who thinks that Ishouldnotspeakoutwhensomeonedoessomethignwrong - something i can't and will never change under all circumstances that is,,

And of course, recently I've been associated with the dead (zombies to be specific) and also Food. ermm yea..Food and Zombies.. Something i deduced myself from repeated mentioning in conversations - altho i honestly hope its not due to the darkening eye circles i now have!

So its true I guess. People would look at a you from their point of view and no matter what you do or say there's no controlling it. You can be a sweetheart to someone and you can be a devil to another. And the worse part of it all is that you can't change it. No matter how charming you are and how fiercely you show your caring side, you cannot change everyone's impression on yourself into what you want it to be. In the end, people will only chose to speak what they see ( or chose to see..)

And then back to the gentleman in the clinics, he asked me a 2nd question after my first answer : What do you think of yourself?

Of course i burst laughing and told him to tell more stories on his war!( More like I needed more time reflecting on what he said)

As for what I think of it all,, 

I've been good.. Not holy,, just good.
I been doing what I should , altho there's a whole list of things that I WANT to do.
And i am ever so thankful for all the different impressions i have managed to create cause who the #%*# can come up with soo many different personalities? HAH
*And I know that there are people standing there waiting for me to take it on back the other road. But I've lived this way for the past years (this multiple personalities - incomprehensible if you so must say) and God forbid that things will change - imagine trying to please everyone so that people will look at me with what I want them to see! PRETENDING YOU'RE A PLEASANT PERSON ALL DAY IS EXHAUSTING! period.



Cause in the end what matters is what good you have done for others -'impressions' people have/had of you will one by one vanish the same.

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am*

Quasimodo- 2013 1st post! :)

Sigh

Noticed i started the previous with a SHOOT ME instruction for blogging after so long.
Yet now, its the 2nd time around and using that phrase to start it off seems awkward..

I know im supposed to be asleep but found myself with racing thoughts. In the midst of on calls and hospital teachings and what not. And then in the morning I find myself scaring myself off with the progressive darkening magic circles around my eyes and at night i keep waking up thinking of events that took place during the day.. pathetic aint it?

was reading back my old posts from the old blog http://theunwrittenindeh.blogspot.com/ which i ever so dearly miss so much


I wish I could shut my mind from speaking to me when I'm about to sleep.
I wish I could go to Egypt someday(especially after today's Dr Ihab farewell presentation)
I wish it would rain more in SP but only when im indoors
I wish I was like Sheldon Cooper minus awkward social skills
I wish home was not so far away so I can always see my mom when I want to
I wish I spent more time learning to play a proper musical instrument
 I wish I continued blogging and not left in the first place...*

 lol yea the last one was probably the one thing I had throughout the other wishes. It got kinda complicated when people began to associate themselves with whatever I wrote. So much that things got escalated and fell out of hands. Garhh its sad aint it? when we have to be so careful of the things we say just in case we get misunderstood somewhere in between..

but i guess its about time i start again before the monologue i have daily gets the better half of me 

So here goes..

Remember this guy?

QUASIMODO from the Hunchback of Notre-Dame :)

Its actually a novel published in 1831 and there was a cartoon made based on it. was definitely one of my ALL TIME FAVOURITE DISNEY CHARACTER!
if you havent watched it try googling it - its basically about this deformed hunchback who is the bell ringer of this place Notre Dame. Its a sad depressing beginning as his life is basically ruled and controlled by this evil man in the weird black dress..? (whose name I cant seem to recall). what intrigued me most when I was younger was the fact that despite his limitation in appearance as well as lack of freedom he still managed to make the best out of whatever he had :) from making carved wooden dolls and buildings to his 3 Gargoyle friends that kept him company ( of course that was before i was introduced to the term auditory and visual hallucinations) 
Altho i must say i preferred the Disney ending to that movie. the original plot includes Esmeralda getting hanged to death  -followed by Quasi killing his 'master' and then decides to stay with Esmeralda's corpse and dies of starvation eventually..

yea.. Disney ending was def better..

the reason why I'm mentioning him? Cause i finally learned what he actually had! Officially into the 2nd week of Ortho and was talking to someone with chronic backache and spine deformity when i came across this..

The hunchback is actually a type of spinal deformity : Kyphosis- a posterior convexity of the spine. It simple terms it somesort of gives the back a bowing like appearance..smtg like a slouching posture. Most of the cases are mild and only require monitoring,, but the more complicated cases usually do not respond well to conservative treatment thus the surgery option is the way out.

was kinda surprised when  I realize that there are many people with kyphosis - some of course had the same name calling experience that Quasi did..

There an attached link to the full article : 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1205777/Girl-dubbed-Hunchback-Notre-Dame-walks-tall-operation-adds-inches-height.htmlGirl dubbed Hunchback of Notre Dame

And im tired..
Annd i'll regret not trying to sleep early tonight in the morning tmrw..
Annnd like always its an abrupt ending to a post again..
Dang..


*Hmm maybe the reason I stopped was cause I had no time in the first place..
Or maybe my monologues are so fascinating that I decided to keep em up instead..
::God I know the voice in my head is not real but I swear our conversations are more interesting than the conversations held with actual people :D



There. Just to end it : I wish people could read minds and that people with kyphosis would not need to go through a tormenting name calling childhood for smtg they are not responsible for in the first place :/